So, an update. I decided to completely remove all epic everything and reinstall. Dug through all the directories in the app data directory removed them. uninstalled all engine versions and every directory pertaining to them. Cleaned out my registry.
Then reinstalled the launcher and guess what? When I try to log in “It seems that you are trying to send request twice.”
Uh what?
This is SOOOOOOOOO IRRRRRAAAAATAAAATING! Years of development, and tons of cash spent on half ■■■■■ assets wasted… Because epic is to busy doing whatever else they are doing to make sure their engine is in a good state.