Found the problem… All my drivers were up-to-date (as I said). What I didn’t realize is that in a windows update, it installed extra audio drivers (which, gasps were up-to-date! :D) Uninstalled the software for the audio software and boom it worked.
Oh the offending software you ask? Sonic Studio.
Two things for it. Both burn in the depths of lost bits and bytes.
But yeah, after removing Sonic Studio (x2), everything worked. (I found this solution talking to a friend and this reddit post).