Okay so this kinda does what I want it to do:
But, is there a less janky way of doing it since rotating the collision capsule and the mesh makes the camera and everything else go apeshit when you crouch?
EDIT: Also the socket rotations are wrong and if you walk into anything while the collision capsule is rotated like that, it makes it snap back to upright and then the character mesh is permanently at a 45 degree angle.