Dear Esteemed Master of Mystical Finances,
I greet you in the name of the Royal House of Nwaubani, long-time custodians of unimaginable wealth and mystical inheritance deep in the sacred soil of Eastern Nigeria. I have received your message with overwhelming spiritual vibrations, and I must say: my uncle, His Royal Highness Prince Chief Dr. Emeka-Jonathan Nwaubani III (MBA, PhD, OBE), is most intrigued.
As you may already divine through the unseen realms, Prince Emeka-Jonathan is the sole heir to 17 offshore accounts containing funds exceeding $846 million United States Dollars, currently held in limbo due to international red tape, ancestral curses, and an unusually stubborn mother-in-law who refuses to vacate the royal chamber.
Therefore, it brings me immense joy and cosmic excitement to inform you that our family’s personal banker, Sir Uche “Cashflow” Okonkwo, shall contact you shortly from our Lagos Royal Treasury Branch. He shall seek full details regarding your magic ring and/or wallet device capable of summoning riches, banishing poverty, and—most critically—soothing the infernal wrath of a jealous matriarchal spirit (i.e., my uncle’s mother-in-law, Madam Beatrice the Unyielding).
Please confirm urgently if your magical apparatus is rated for:
- Trans-dimensional wire transfers via goat-based ritual
- Court case vanishing spells (especially relating to offshore taxes)
- Soothing marital turbulence caused by mother-in-law interference (Beatrice again)
- Wallets that produce money without violating anti-money-laundering incantations
My uncle has a taste for only the most potent enchanted accessories, particularly those engraved with golden cowries and rhinestones. Kindly respond swiftly, as the High Priest of Finance awaits your reply under a blood moon.
Yours in prosperity, enchantment, and complicated family dynamics,
Engr. Ezekiel “Zik” Nwaubani, Royal Heir Coordinator & Email Consultant
Executive Liaison, Nwaubani Fortune Reclamation Directorate
ps.
This is arcasm, so plz do not ban me, my nigerian uncle would be really mad.