I just figured that AttachTo would do just that, attach one object to another so that they move together. I thought the welding was some form of optimisation, given that it’s off by default. Seems like having a function like DoSomethingEssential(bool bYesReallyDoIt). I have turned off physics simulations on the objects being attached, and they just float away.
My aim with this thread wasn’t to trash UE4 btw, I just needed to know that I’m not alone! It’s cheaper than therapy, which I think I’m going to need by the time I figure all this out.