Well, as per what seems like the norm, I never got any more help with this and eventually found the answer myself.
For anyone else that has this kind of bizarre crash on startup that doesn’t seem to go away, regardless of what you try, it may be an issue with the engine.
What worked for me was cloning my project and replacing the old one. After verifying all my files and making sure everything was working fine, I removed the old, broken project with the cloned version. Everything works fine now.